1StarCroatia – Churches

In another episode of 1 Star Croatia, we are going through some funny reviews that real travelers have left online. This episode is all about churches. I would like to thank Google Places, for being THE place for expressing dissatisfaction, although TripAdvisor hasn’t disappointed either. I’ve been amusing myself reading about Croatian churches and I’m about to share the amusement with you.

Enjoy the podcast or scroll down for the rest of the article:

There are a lot of bad reviews of various Croatian churches online. However, I dismissed the ones that complain about paying a ticket, or being unable to enter because of being inappropriately dressed – even though these are the most common complaints and sometimes really really fun and they have a point. Take this one:

⭐ Good God gave me shoulders and I need them to keep my arms attached to my body.⭐

I found another review that you might even call – a threat! A woman was so angry for not being allowed into one of Croatia’s churches, that she said:

⭐ Next time I might come and dance like David. ⭐

Guess it means, she will put up a strip show? Did I get that right? Actually, she might consider herself lucky for not being allowed to enter. That is, if we agree with the travelers whose quotes I chose for this episode.

I also cut out the ABCs  (Another Bloody Church) complaints. There are a lot of those stating the churches are all the same. Seen one, you’ve seen them all. And I tried to choose only the churches that I personally find very special.

Why don’t we start by counting the review stars with the world star – churches: UNESCO sights.

⭐ Pity. ⭐

That’s the title of a 1-star review of St James Cathedral in Šibenik. This place has some surprisingly poor reviews. I chose this simple quote from TripAdvisor since that’s all you need to know about one of the most special monuments in Croatia.

I’m not going to go through all of the unique qualities of the Šibenik cathedral that put the building on the list of UNESCO world heritage. Let’s just mention the most recognizable one – the greatest portrait gallery of the era with over 70 different heads that decorate the cathedral.

Why would I bore you with other uniquenesses, when an online reviewer knows about this pitiful try of those 15th and 16th-century builders to impress a 21st-century traveler?

Let’s move on to another UNESCO site – Euphrasian Basilica in Poreč.

My favorite is the 2-star review on TripAdvisor that says:

⭐ ⭐ When you have the Cologne cathedral in front of your doorway… 😉 Unfortunately, not EVERY Church in every destination is a worth a visit . ⭐ ⭐

I really don’t understand the connection between the gothic Cologne Cathedral in Germany and the Byzantine style Euphrasian Basilica except they’re both considered to be World Heritage Sights and they’re both definitely worth a visit.

If you’re wondering what a person, who likes to go through funny reviews, does after reading this one…. Well, of course, I searched for the reviews of the Cologne Cathedral. I have some bad news for this reviewer! Her hometown cathedral has some shocking turn-offs. Like this one:

⭐  Demolish this filthy eyesore and replace it with a modern building fit for purpose.I have visited many old cathedrals. This is among the worse. ⭐

Oh well… I guess everywhere you go, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. However, if something is considered a UNESCO World Heritage, and if we’re not easily impressed, then maybe just google why is that, before putting our professional opinion on display? It’s just a suggestion.

Enough of the UNESCO Sights. The construction of St Donat in Zadar began in the 9th century but the unique additions of the recognizable Roman remains built into it, in theory, make it even older. Not old enough, though, according to this 1-star-review:

⭐   Boring . Sorry to be so blunt but I was expecting a lot older a church. ⭐

Let me assure you, St Donat church in Zadar is not as boring as the Zagreb Cathedral. Just a few weeks ago a very harsh 1-star-review was seen on Google Places about the Zagreb Cathedral:

⭐ The most beautiful thing in the most boring city of “Europe”. Trust me, there’s a ton of better cities to visit, don’t visit this one. ⭐

Now, don’t you love Google Places? Only here do you find such terrible reviews. Please, skip Zagreb by all means. Unless, you like:

⭐ Very creepy and scary ⭐

That is another 1-star-review of the Zagreb Cathedral.

To finish this selection of great advice from travelers who really did their best to warn us about their terrible experience, I chose two tiny gems.

⭐ Little to see ⭐

This 1-star-description of the Holy Cross cathedral in Nin couldn’t be more accurate. It’s absolutely true, there’s little to see as this is the smallest cathedral in the world.

How about this one?

⭐ The size of a dovecote, looks like a greenhouse. ⭐

All is true in this one-star review, which is precisely why some people find the glass chapel a true discovery when driving through the mountains above Novi Vinodolski.

Others are obviously very disappointed.

It’s a very picturesque ride overall, with some amazing viewpoints and a few spiritual monuments, such as stone labyrinths and the tiny glass chapel that was built in a unique style by a local man more than a century ago.

In other words, nobody bothered to build anything monumental up there in the lovely nature. Weirdoes. Just a tiny structure made solely of metal construction and glass that blends in the environment

You already know what I’m about to say: don’t bother. Stay on the beach and forget there’s anything else around Novi Vinodolski.

I hope these funny reviews gave you some ideas of what not to visit… or hopefully, what to visit… when you come to Croatia. I visited all those places and loved them, but you already know that I sometimes get too enthusiastic about all sorts of monuments, and ABCs are not exceptions. 

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